bicyclists.

I think most bicyclists actively pursue death, by way of traffic accident.

Now, I realize there are cyclists who aren’t complete morons.  And I realize there are varying definitions of “cyclists.”  My roommate for two years of college, for example, was a competitive cyclist.  My 42-year-old neighbor is a recreational cyclist, rides about 20 miles every weekend.  Still others are simply transport cyclists, folks who ride their bikes for the simple purpose of getting to work or getting to the store.

But still, a vast majority of them just want to be dead.

It’s not so much that they think the rules of traffic don’t apply to them.  Well, some of them do, surely.  They think riding a bike guarantees you right-of-way and guarantees everyone else will drive overly cautious around you, as they want to avoid the lawsuit on the other end of a bent spoke.  It’s more, for me, the blatant disregard for traffic in general, or the concept of traffic.

Today was a perfect example.  I was driving to the grocery store on a narrow, two-lane road (aside: by two-lane, I mean one lane each way…are you supposed to say one lane road or two lane road in that case, do you assume I’m talking about traffic in one direction or both?  This often bothers me.)

Well, like I said, I was driving, and I saw a cyclist ahead of me.  He looked to be a transport cyclist, because he wasn’t dressed in such a way that would indicate either of the other two varieties.  So, naturally, I slowed.  To a crawl.  And we were at a point where the road climbed up a hill and the median was double-yellow, so passing would be ill-advised.  I was forced to just creep along behind him until, some five minutes later, we got to the top of the hill and there was ample space to past and claim the left-hand turn lane.

Now, I have two major problems with this all-too-typical type of cyclist.

One, have a friggin’ sense of urgency.  You’ve got a car behind you.  Hell, you’ve got a line of cars behind you.  Peddle like you care.  Don’t just leisurely take your time getting up that hill.  Book it.  Shred every muscle in your upper and lower legs.  Get the hell out of the way.  I can’t stand when cyclists take their time, as if the idea of traffic allows for that.  It does not.  I’m not looking for a leisurely country drive, why are you looking for a leisurely country ride?  It’s incredible that these people are so oblivious to that, to the concept of traffic in general.  The idea is that it moves.  These people prevent that from happening.  Why?  Because they think a well-traveled road is no different than a neighborhood street.  Whereas taking your time is acceptable in one environment, it’s grossly inappropriate when we’re on an actual, traffic-heavy road.

Secondly, use the friggin’ sidewalk.  It’s there for this exact reason.  Unless you’re a competitive cyclist who can legitimately maneuver the roads and allow for traffic flow, use that cement path on the side.  Not only is it immensely safer for you, but it allows everyone else to get where they have to go.  It’s a win-win for everyone.  I don’t understand why you would not use it, actually.  Except that your brain is incapable of processing logical scenarios.

And while we’re on the subject – parents, please, teach your children about how traffic works.  Back in Indy, we have this problem with what I like to call “bike gangs.”  All the neighbors in our subdivision who were merely “young couples” when we moved in 10 years ago are now parents, and their children are all firmly in the 7-11 age range.  They travel in packs.  It’s like something out of a James Dean movie, really.  But on bicycles.  And with the collective cognoscente of a decomposing groundhog.

I’ve learned how to drive in the subdivision so as to avoid ending a child’s life, but God help visitors.  Can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen some visitor just book it across the bridge into the neighborhood and almost pancake some clueless little eight-year-old aimlessly steering his bike off the sidewalk and into the middle of the road.  I usually like to blast music really loud to avoid this problem and get their attention, to let them know my four-door is coming down the street.  Ideally, offensive music with lyrics that will erode the very foundation of their childhood.  That’ll learn ‘em.

Seriously, though, cycling culture is all kinds of backwards in this country.  I respect cyclists’ rights and acknowledge there are different types and breeds of them, but for God’s sake, we need to dispell this notion that all of their behavior is excused by the fact that they’re vulnerable.  If anything, that should be reason to moderate and curb their behavior, legally limit it for everyone’s sake.

But I guess they’d rather die.  So, you know, whatever.