Your first post, and it’s about freaking Craigslist? Well, duh. Of course it’s about Craigslist. Craigslist is the first thing I want to talk about on this blog.
Look, I don’t know the history of Craigslist. Could be some kindly prospector in Oak Mountain, Alabama started it up. Maybe it was founded by a real up-and-comer in Silicon Valley, hell, maybe it was uncovered in Tutankhamen’s Tomb. Hell if I know how it got started up. All I know is, it’s around.
And Craigslist is someone’s moment of pure brilliance. It’s genius in concept. Need a job? Stop on over at Craigslist, you can see if anyone is interested in your services. If you’re an employer, you can advertise for need of service. It’s efficient, simple, two-way communication between people who want and people who have. Want a car? Somebody has one that they’re willing to offload. Want a pool table? Well some guy is moving to Phoenix next week and is willing to sell his at a discounted price because there just isn’t a cost-efficient way to move the damn thing.
Oh, you can get sex too. Like, lots of sex. Like, mostly sex.
Because let’s face it, Craigslist is essentially the digital version of a Super Wal-Mart. You can get your television. You can get your groceries. You can get your car serviced. And if you make eye contact with that portly fellow in the brown trenchcoat, you can even get yourself serviced in the third stall to the right of the men’s restroom. Just mind the fella freebasing next door, we’re trying to keep that one on the downlow!
It’s online stop-and-shop at its best. And the best part is that it’s policed exactly like Wal-Mart. They put up a lot of flashy surveillance equipment that really is nothing more than an upside-down, spray-painted snowglobe, and they might tell you that shoplifting is a crime and that you should report suspicious behavior to the manager. But when it comes down to it, there’s just little reason to give a damn about what anyone else is doing. As long as they’re not terrorists. That doesn’t fly.
But erotic massages? Bring ‘em on. I mean, even in this economy, we should all be able to make a quick buck or two in that department. God bless the America that openly allows vaguely-worded ads for prostitution. I just want to meet the man who actually just wanted the massage. Some scantily-clad, dark-eyed, dolled-up version of some third-rate Prom King or Queen shows up at the door wearing only a junior high track shirt from the discount rack at Goodwill and mud-crusted jean shorts that leave little to the imagination…I want to meet the man who just ordered the massage. And then I want to hear what happened for the rest of that hour’s worth of service he ordered. Did they discuss Obama’s health care plan? Or maybe they played a quick game of Scrabble? Does he get another massage? Does the erotic masseuse even know how to give massages? Of course these are all questions that run through my mind every time I reply to such ads.
Beyond the not-so-cleverly-disguised prostitution ads though, is the “casual encounters” section of the site, which might be my favorite of all. Yeah, it’s fun to peruse for boat parts or first edition Animorphs titles, but that’s only until you get the nerve to click on over to “casual encounters.” And Craigslist, the thing you’ll always be able to say in their support, Craigslist never discriminates. Three transsexual mailmen looking for a ventriloquist for an evening of charades and S&M? There’s a section for that. Dendrophiliac looking for other like-minded individuals to tie you to a giant redwood tree and rub sap on your hindparts? Craigslist has your back. Perhaps you’re just a bored married couple hoping to re-vitalize your partnership by finding some carnival folk who host mass orgies on the rundown tilt-a-whirl ride? Well, expect those divorce papers to be drawn up in the coming months, but there’s cotton candy and contraceptives aplenty come closing time, provided you’re willing to let the clowns watch. And, with your consent, record for posterity’s sake (which means straight to the internet.)
There really are no limits to this section of the site. It’s a freakshow for the internet age. I have this image in my mind of folks gathering elsewhere, before Craigslist existed, to market their deviant behaviors. I think this place used to be called the adult bookstore, or depending on your proximity to any number of vast metropolitan areas, the adult movie theater. And it’s a shame that Craigslist has done these places in, because I just can’t find a good adult bookstore or movie theater these days. Nowadays, the juiciest literature I can find is in the bargain bin at T.J. Maxx and features shirtless Aztec warriors clinging tightly to harlots in purple petticoats. It’s a disservice, really, to the literate crowd seeking a far more provocative plot than barrel-chested brute conquers foreign barbarians and heart of helpless princess captured by the enemy hordes. And penetration, they skimp on that too. But I digress. Point is – weirdos used to actually physically congregate. Now they just hide behind mirror shots they stole from people they barely know on Facebook because they’re always wary of the slim chance that their husband/wife/boss/co-worker/great uncle Melvin will stumble across the site and correctly out them for the crossdressing freak they really are.
It would be interesting to take a poll of Craigslist services and identify what percentage of users used the site for sexual gratification versus what percentage of users used the site for all other services. I can almost guarantee that 95 percent of all traffic on that site is concentrated in closed door sessions. It might be a one-stop shop, but everyone’s there to tap twice on the tiled floor, make no qualms about it.
And there’s something pretty damn American about that, if you ask me.
Posted by Collin 
