buttcrack.

There is something transcendently funny about buttcracks.

By that, I mean that all ages, creeds and cultures can appreciate the humor behind plumber’s butt. It cracks them up. Butt why is it so funny? And how can I fit “derrière” into a horrible pun?

I think it’s the oblivious nature of the buttcrack offender. They don’t necessarily mean to flaunt their dark crevice for all the world to see, yet at the same time, they are. Much in the same way that Mike Tyson doesn’t mean to be criminally insane, but at the same time, he is. And we all find Iron Mike to be hilarious!

Buttcracks also have a vacuous nature to them. No matter how disgusting they are, you can’t stop looking. It’s an anal Medusa. You’ll turn to stone eventually, but as long as that crack is there and its owner is ho-hummingly sitting and reading the paper, who cares? It’s Grade-A comedy material! You can easily be entertained for 30 minutes staring at a buttcrack. I’ve seen this hold true from people age eight to 38. They are completely powerless when it comes to looking away from the buttcrack.

This all stems, of course, from a buttcrack story. I feel like everyone has a good buttcrack story. Sometimes they’re too embarrassed to tell it because it’s their own crack at stake. Thankfully, this is not my own.

There is this guy in my contemporary theatrical documentary class who must easily clear 6’3″. He’s huge. Probably taller than that, but I didn’t want to over-exaggerate. Well, the thing I find with tall people is that they’re either very good at sports, very good at comedy or very good at being weird, but no combination of those three things. They find a niche and stick to it. Tall people, I don’t know what it is about them. They must realize that they’re already freaks and have to adapt in some form. Some adapt by playing basketball. Others by becoming late night comedy show hosts.

This guy is not one of those guys.

He adapts by not ever appearing to shower, wearing punk gloves, sitting in the front row of the middle of the room so that nobody can see the projection screen. And, perhaps worst of all, he is the most heinous buttcrack offender I have ever seen.

Buttcrack the Giant wears some pair of skater jeans every day that’s belted off about half a foot below the start of his crack. And every day, it just sits there at the front of the class for everyone else to giggle and nudge their friends about. One kid took a picture with his phone today. I thought that was funny. Actually, today was the first time I noticed other people noticing it. I felt somewhat embarrassed for the buttcrack offender, I guess, but it was just so damn blatant and it’s so repetitive – every class – that it’s really hard not to find it completely hilarious.

It’s such a gross buttcrack too. I’m not going to pretend that the world is exactly stocked full of beautiful buttcracks, but this is probably one of the more offensive ones. It’s moderately hairy, not exactly a Bavarian forest but enough so to make you think it probably gets really swampy (and then hate yourself for thinking about that – damn hypnotic power!) And it’s really pimply. Basically, you just know nothing good is going on down there. I’m sure a smell test would verify that, but as I sit in the back of the class, I would not know.

After all this, as I briefly mentioned before, is the post-buttcrack-stare guilt. You feel bad about it. That’s somebody’s butt, after all. You shouldn’t stare at it. It’s wrong on many levels. Borderline pervy. But still, you know the next day, you’re gonna be first in line to rubberneck. Because it’s just so damn obtrusive. It is quite literally the center of attention for the class over the course of 75 minutes. The professor probably just thinks we’re bored or shy, but really, we’re absorbed in the crack.

Because buttcracks are inherently hilarious.